Something Random

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I’m the kind of girl who prefers planned things, so I very rarely do something out of the moment.

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Last Sunday, about a week ago, K and and I went on a random morning hike. Well, more like a walkathon. The plan was only to go visit our dead relatives in the cemetery, but somehow we ended up X kilometers away from civilization. And being almost devoid of any sense of direction, I started getting pissed because it started feeling toooo far away.

You know that feeling where you still have a long, long way to go but it’s equally as far to go back? The sun was already so high up, I could feel it pricking my skin. I was wearing the wrong shoes so it was a nightmare stepping on rocks. But it felt good!

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The view of the sky and mountains were amazing though my phone camera would never do justice to it. It was a pleasant change of scenery compared to the malls and buildings we’re used to.

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Officially promising myself to do more of this at the right time of the day and with proper shoes. 🙂

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Life Lately: Finally Freed Myself

Hello there! It’s me again! 🙂 So I’ve broken the promise I made to myself of keeping my blog active for the whole year, but as it is, the last entry I made was last October. Sorry, self. 😦

Aaanyways… life for me has been somewhat craaay. I’ve recently graduated from the TESDA NC II Caregiver course I took. Well, not recently, last October. Hahaha!

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Since then, I’ve been pretty busy juggling my regular job and doing the required OJT or training for the course. We’re required to train at four different institutions. I’m done with two so I still have two more to go.

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And on another note, I had my birthday on the 5th of this month so yaaaaaay!!! I’m officially 29 and just less than a year before I turn 30. Not so thrilled about that part though! 😀 I spent the whole day that day in an orphanage, which I think was probably one of the best ways I spent my birthday. And of course, as expected of me, I spent the night drinking away. Sadly, I don’t have decent enough photos on that night except for this bowl of peanuts. 😦

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Last and most important update of all, I finally did what I’ve long wanted to do: confront the past and talk to the one person who haunts me. The thought process and events leading to it has been kind of insane and involved a couple meltdowns from yours truly, finally I took everything as a sign from the universe to just do it.

It wasn’t easy. You know that feeling of being so nervous you can feel your heart beating? It was more than that. I could feel my heart beat, my hands shake, and it felt like I was about to faint. And I had to stare at a note I wrote before I just closed my eyes and did it.

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Two things I realized on this experience. One is that God answers prayers but not without a huge leap of faith from you. Imagine, I’ve asked this for a long, long time and when the opportunity came, I seriously thought of letting the chance go just because I was too scared. Two is that sometimes the most terrifying experience can turn out to be the most liberating one.

It’s nice to be free. 🙂

Well… That’s it for now! Until next time! Bye!!! 😀

Days Like This

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I long for days like this

Sky covered up in clouds

Cold breeze on my skin

 

I long for days like this

Knowing life isn’t perfect

Yet I’m not falling apart

 

I long for days like this

Keeping my anxiety at bay

And not losing myself

 

I long for days like this

Where life’s uncertain

Yet there’s burning hope in me

 

I long for days like this

Where I may not be happy

Yet I’m not in a pool of tears

Here’s to more days like this

***

 

 

First Time Visiting an Elderly Home

“Some students get emotional and cry when they visit.”

Those were the words of one of my instructors in the caregiver training course that I’m currently taking. I laughed it off at that time not knowing I’d be one of those students.

“Grabe pud ni si Ma’am,” I said to myself.

It was a few weeks ago when our Care for the Elderly module came and our teacher decided to bring us to St. Joseph’s Golden Home Foundation, Inc. SJGH is a non-profitable foundation serving as a home for indigent and abandoned Filipino men and women aged 65 and up. It is, I believe, the only elderly home in the city of Cagayan de Oro.

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Up until then, my only knowledge about elderly homes was based on what I see on movies and TV. I’ve never been to one. And if I hadn’t taken this course, I wouldn’t have known about there being one in our city. #CluelessGirl

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Before we could walk through their doors, we were greeted enthusiastically by a very sweet and jolly lady, one of the residents there. Upon seeing the joy on her face, the genuine welcome she extended to us, I could feel my heart swell up for some unknown reason and I started to tear up. I tried controlling myself. I really did.

But before I knew it, the first of my tears fell as I desperately made my way to the back of our bunch. Luckily, I was not alone in taking refuge in the back while wiping tears away. A classmate, who upon seeing the Lola, remembered her own grandmother also made her way to the back in hiding.

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Lola in the middle was the one who greeted us (Hate myself for forgetting her name)

Honestly, I don’t know what it was that made me cry. I had grandparents but, unlike my classmate, I was never super close to them. I went in there completely emotionless. I came out feeling like a different person.

Maybe it was because I expected to see grumpy old people who would love nothing else but for us to leave. Maybe I saw my grandparents and saw how much I missed and how much effort I didn’t make to get to know them. Maybe I saw my parents and my fear of them growing old and leaving me just overwhelmed me.

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And… maybe I saw myself in them.

Old. Alone. No family.

I always tell myself that it’s totally fine to be alone. And a good part of me genuinely believes that. However, that day, I realized that I’m also terrified to spend the rest of my life alone.

Filipinos have a tight-knit, family-oriented culture. I grew up hearing people say that one should have kids so you won’t be alone. I get raised eyebrows whenever I tell people that I’m not sure if I want the package, husband and kids. Parents break their backs raising their children. Yet we have people like the lolos and lolas of SJGH who were abandoned by family and probably by their own kids. Really, this is a sore topic that has no exact and concrete solution.

I guess it was everything. All the reasons written above were what made me cry. You’d think that you’ve accepted the inevitably of old age until you see yourself in the eyes of the very warm lola who greeted you like you were her long lost grandchild. It’s truly heartwarming.

That day, I looked at my parents as if with a whole new set of eyes and I thanked God for them and prayed fervently for more time with them, for a chance to make them happy, for a chance to be a better daughter to them. And that night… I also prayed that maybe, just maybe, somewhere in this huge, chaotic world someone out there is waiting and praying for me.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 30

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Day 30 – A Song That Reminds You of Yourself

Unpretty by TLC

Year Released: 1999

So this song is about trying to change oneself for someone or society’s standard of beauty. And really… it’s sad and just so wrong. I guess I see myself in this song because my whole life I’ve been told that I’d be prettier if I lost a few pounds or the classic “You’re beautiful but…” And honestly? It’s a nightmare I haven’t gotten away from. But it’s all up to me, right?

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Every time I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame

***

Aaaand… it’s a wrap! I’ve done it! 30 straight days of blogging for this song challenge. As much as it stressed me out having to post every day, I loved doing this challenge as it made me do a little reflecting and a ton of reminiscing. 🙂 Most of my songs in the challenge are on the old side because for the life of me, I could never keep up with all the trendy and hip stuff in music. Nevertheless, I had fun sharing with you guys the songs that mean something to me! To all those who spent time to read my entries, thank you!!!

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 29

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Day 29 – A Song That You Remember From Your Childhood

Fixing a Broken Heart by Indecent Obsession

Year Released: 1993 (?)

So this song may be a little heavy to be a childhood memory. There’s a story here. 🙂 I used to visit father’s hometown during summers as a kid. And there were days when I’d stay at grandparents’ house. Actually, I stayed there most of the time while my dad went to work. I had an older cousin who played a guitar and this was his favorite song to play on his guitar. I loved this song even though I had absolutely no idea what it meant. I was six or seven, I didn’t know anything about broken hearts let alone fixing it. Heck, I don’t even know how until now. 😀

You really know where to start
Fixing a broken heart
You really know what to do
Your emotional tools
Can cure any fool
Whose dreams have fallen apart
Fixing a broken heart

***

So I’m curious… what’s a song from your childhood? 🙂

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 28

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Day 28 – A Song By An Artist With A Voice That You Love

Lost Boy by Ruth B.

Year Released: 2015

So Ruth B. is a recent addition to my list of singers whose voice I just looove and may or may not envy. 😀 Her voice just sounds so calm and soothing. Perfect for a cold night under a blank and just looking out the window and thinking about things like where to find happiness in this cruel, cruel world. Okay… I’ve gone too far. 🙂

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

***