The 10-second Happiness

The deepest part of me still truly and absolutely love you. How is that even possible? Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I know nothing about love. Well, I probably know something, but it’s nothing compared to what others know about it: a father working day in and out to provide for his family, a wife sacrificing herself and everything she is for her husband, a single parent juggling school and work in hopes of a better future for the children.

I don’t even know how love feels apart from the way it felt with you. I promised myself many months ago that I will no longer write about you, that my words will stop being about you. Yet, the moment I made that promise words stopped coming to me. It had begun as an eerie silence in my head. My thoughts were no longer of you. Yes, it was a welcome change, one that I’ve been craving for, but it also came with an emptiness.

It was 5:45 this morning when I woke up with a start from a dream of you. And as it has always been whenever that happens, I woke up at my happiest. The kind of happiness you can almost feel in every cell of your body, the kind that gives you a sense of peace, the kind that somehow gives you meaning. God, if I could stay in that wonderful 10-second happiness, I would. No questions asked. But then… stinking, gut-wrenching, face-slapping reality sets in.

It was a dream. ALL. A. DREAM.

It was then that I realized that beautiful dreams can become nightmares. Some people believe that dreams have meanings. I’m skeptical about that. If dreams do have meanings, maybe mine means I’m crazy and delusional. Haha! I don’t know.

Welp. Stop this pseudo-writing that you do. This is ranting and procrastinating. Back to work. Happy Sunday, self. Go get a life later. 🙂

A Saturday Night of a Broke Girl: Thoughts

“Why do you love sunsets so much?” my brother asked me a few days ago.

I sat there unable to answer a perfectly acceptable question. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an answer or that I didn’t know the reason for my, in his words, “obsession” about sunsets. The truth was, I could not put into words what sunsets mean to me. Well, of course, I could. Just not in the words he’d somehow understand, and especially not in the words my mother, who was present at that time, would even begin to understand.

Sunsets, to me, are a constant reminder that, as cliche as it sounds, life is beautiful. I feel constantly lost in this world, unable to find my meaning, and I feel that somehow my existence is a cosmic anomaly. Sunsets take all those feelings away. Sunsets make me grateful. Grateful that, however insignificant I feel, I get to witness every day one of nature’s epic displays. And, as the sun touches the horizon, as the sky bursts into different magnificent hues of orange, I remember once again that life is worth living, I ought to give it a shot. To a thousand more sunsets!

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The Lottery Tag

I don’t know if it’s just me but winning a huge lottery jackpot is one of my favorite fantasies so when I saw The Lottery Tag posts by Angela and Janah, whose blogs I both love, I wanted to join in even if wasn’t tagged by anyone. Hahaha! Anyway, this was originally created by Natalie. And here’s how Natalie explained it.

Imagine you won the lottery. There is no set sum of money – it could be $100 or $100m dollars – let your imagination run with it. All up for interpretation. Tell us what you would do with that money, and then tag a couple of your blogging friends to do the same. Or don’t. No need to mention me for creating it; you can if you want, but I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t.

Without any more delay, join me as I indulge in my fantasies.

Small Stuff

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I don’t mean to buy National Bookstore, of course. But I would like to buy everything I love in NBS. This store has everything a school and office supply nut could imagine. Books, stationery, pens… It’s heaven on Earth!

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I’m not too particular with gadgets but if I have lots and lots of extra moola, I’d most definitely give in to the pleasure of these shiny things.

Big Stuff

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Photo from Forbes.com

There’s a lot of this Earth I haven’t explored. And so I really would like to pack my bags, just pick a place, and just go there. I would like to travel with my family, friends, and alone. Also, I would also love to give my parents their dream vacation.

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Photo from AccreditedSchoolsOnline.org

As of now, YouTube is my teacher but when I could, I’d someday enroll in a culinary school so I could pursue a passion I’ve just recently discovered.

Really Big Stuff

Renovate

– I’d renovate my parents’ house, the house where my brothers and I grew up in, so that it stays standing for the next 30, 60, 100 years. I would love for my future nieces and nephews, hopefully my own kids, too, to see the house where we grew up in.

Build

– I’m a city girl but I’d build my dream house somewhere near the beach hopefully where I could see a beautiful sunset every afternoon.

Provide

– Although I’m still not sure how to go about this but here’s the idea, I’d like to provide a better access to healthcare for my city. If you’ve visited any of the public hospitals in the Philippines, you’d know how limited access to good healthcare is. I know how complicated this matter is and I know this can’t be solved in a snap but I still would like to be able to do something about it especially in my city. Hopefully the whole country next.

Invest

– Of course, I wouldn’t miss an opportunity of a lifetime and invest in something sustainable.

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TIME’S UP!!! That’s it.

BACK TO REALITY!

Just Random Life Thoughts

The notion of finding someone who will put your broken pieces back together, fix you, heal you, and complete you is wonderful. But wouldn’t it be more poetic if you do that yourself? Accept your brokenness and fight like hell to stand up. Put yourself back together one painful piece at a time. Let the wind and sunshine heal you and your passion complete you.

I think that will be a story more beautiful than any out there for it is entirely your own. Forged by your spirit and the blood in your veins. A story yours alone that no one else can take credit for.

Reminder: Life Goals

So I wrote this piece last year when I did the 30-Day Blogging Challenge. I’m still currently working on these goals but sometimes I lose sight of these on days when I’m being crazy. That is why I decided to repost this on my blog to remind myself of these five essential things. It’s still a very long way, self, but you’re on your way. Keep going.

5 CURRENT GOALS

Write Again

Writing has always been one of the things I wanted to do. Verbal communication isn’t my strongest suit even when it comes to my family and friends. I feel like I’m a better communicator through written words. The sad part is I don’t have much practice in writing because I’ve been so caught up with everything that I didn’t really make an effort on making myself a better writer… or even a good writer.

It may be a little late, but the important thing is I have finally come to the realization that the world doesn’t owe me anything. That if I want something, I have to work for it, maybe even shed tears and sweat. It’ll be a long, hard way but I’m up for it because if I want to have my stories heard or read, I have to write again.

Continue Blogging

As I’ve already mentioned on a previous post (first entry), I have long wanted to start a blog. But because I have a masters degree on procrastination, it took me five freaking years to finally make my first blog post since I planned on having a personal blog. It’s amazing how I finally got around to it. So my second goal is to sustain the energy to continue blogging. Nurture this blog as my personal avenue where I could develop myself in writing, a channel of my deep, dark, insane thoughts. If along the way this inspires someone else, then that’d be a welcome bonus. For now, this blog will be for me.

Lose Weight

Who doesn’t have this on their goals? I don’t have the accurate stats on this but I’m willing to bet that most people have this on their list. In my case, I really need this for every reason in the world. My mantra: Lighter, faster, stronger, better.

Abroad

As a kid, I told myself I’d only go abroad for travel and other stuff. I don’t want to work anywhere else but my country alone. There is no place like home. Without meaning to sound like a total traitor to my country, I have to admit that good-paying jobs are difficult to find here. So yeah, I’ll be seeking opportunities abroad for financial growth. Hopefully, somewhere along the way, I find personal growth as well.

Find my Inner Ninja

This goal is kind of the miscellaneous box on categorized goals. I didn’t want to name it something clichĂ©, hence, the inner ninja. I guess what my goal here really is personal growth. To learn new things like calligraphy and yoga. Explore places. Study history and literature. Start ticking off things on my bucket list. Speaking of, organize my bucket list. Do something. Be someone. Chase life and find happiness.