In a few days, I’ll be turning 28. Two more years and I’m hitting the big 3-0. I’m not writing this though because I’m so freakingly excited about my birthday. In fact, I don’t really know how I feel about it. I guess I’m in that kind of state where I’m neither excited nor dreading it?
Although, you must be thinking, “If you’re not feeling anything, then WTH are you writing about it?” Well, maybe not feeling is different from not thinking. Boy, knowing myself, I know I’ve done a lot lately (and the past 27 years of my life) when it’s past midnight and I couldn’t sleep, which happens daily, by the way. I believe my most coherent and insightful thoughts happen at 12Am to 2AM.
Like always, I start off missing someone I shouldn’t be missing, then I move on to enumerating the reasons why I should stop missing said person. It goes on to thinking about current life state, to questioning my life choices, to trying extremely hard to motivate and inspire myself, to worrying about my mental state. Truthfully, the list goes on. And on. That’s insomnia and overthinking for you right there.
Wait. What was I trying to say again? Hmmm. Oh. Yeah. My birthday. In nine days? So I had a lot planned in the middle of the year but none of those will be happening really. Because life. Priorities. Responsibilities. And other words associated with trying to become a decent adult. Yesterday, I was beating myself up and was just completely frustrated at how every time I try hard, something always f*cks it up. If I try so hard to make one aspect of my life work, another falls apart right in my face. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Just stating some “facts.”
Thankfully, I’m the kind of person who can present oneself with hard truths. One truth is I may have tried but I didn’t try harder. Got around to telling myself, “If trying hard didn’t work out, then try your hardest.” Or maybe I should stop using the word “try” altogether and just “do.” Work. Make it happen. Okay, so I’m pep-talking myself.
Anyway, so I’m getting older. I’m not scared, just absolutely terrified. Kidding. On another subject, here’s a dog for you out there.