A Saturday Night of a Broke Girl: Thoughts

“Why do you love sunsets so much?” my brother asked me a few days ago.

I sat there unable to answer a perfectly acceptable question. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an answer or that I didn’t know the reason for my, in his words, “obsession” about sunsets. The truth was, I could not put into words what sunsets mean to me. Well, of course, I could. Just not in the words he’d somehow understand, and especially not in the words my mother, who was present at that time, would even begin to understand.

Sunsets, to me, are a constant reminder that, as cliche as it sounds, life is beautiful. I feel constantly lost in this world, unable to find my meaning, and I feel that somehow my existence is a cosmic anomaly. Sunsets take all those feelings away. Sunsets make me grateful. Grateful that, however insignificant I feel, I get to witness every day one of nature’s epic displays. And, as the sun touches the horizon, as the sky bursts into different magnificent hues of orange, I remember once again that life is worth living, I ought to give it a shot. To a thousand more sunsets!

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A Revisit: Out of Time |Way Back Wednesday

I’ve never been afraid of death. That’s mainly because I feel like I have nothing to leave behind. I have no child to leave behind, whose welfare I have to worry about the moment I stopped breathing. Of course, I have my family, my parents and brothers. But they can take care of themselves. My family along with my friends will grieve for some time and then they’re going to go on with their lives.

I’ve never been afraid of death… until I came to the possibility that I was out of time. It was nothing really. It was just me being my usual paranoid self. I had seen a doctor and when I got home I decided to Google my medical results.

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And then I started reading about the likelihood of cancer at freaking 2AM and my follow-up appointment wasn’t until two weeks after…

It’s laughable right now. But a few weeks ago, I found myself thinking whether or not I should tell my family. If I decide I would, how do I tell them? I found myself composing goodbye letters for all those people who mean to me.  I found myself crying like I was actually about to die.

And on those crazy moments, I thought about all the things I missed. The place I haven’t gone to because I kept postponing my trip there. The trip I’ve always wanted to take with friends. The hobby I still haven’t pursued. The book I haven’t read. The get-togethers I missed because I didn’t feel like seeing people that day. All the play-times with my dog that I put off. All the trivial things I should have done a long time ago but didn’t.

That’s when I realized that I haven’t lived yet. Up until then, I’ve never been so afraid to die because I didn’t realize how much I haven’t lived until I thought I was out of time.

Just Random Life Thoughts

The notion of finding someone who will put your broken pieces back together, fix you, heal you, and complete you is wonderful. But wouldn’t it be more poetic if you do that yourself? Accept your brokenness and fight like hell to stand up. Put yourself back together one painful piece at a time. Let the wind and sunshine heal you and your passion complete you.

I think that will be a story more beautiful than any out there for it is entirely your own. Forged by your spirit and the blood in your veins. A story yours alone that no one else can take credit for.

You and I

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One day, we’ll sit together, beer in our hands and smiles on our faces. We’ll talk about how we used to be. You’d tell me about all the adventures you’ve had, the loves you’ve loved, and the life you’ve had.

I’d tell you about all the stories I haven’t told you, the crazy things I never thought I’d do, the beautiful views I’ve seen, and all the loves I’ve loved. I’d ask you more questions than I ever had the chance before. I’d get to know you again. Heck, I’d get to know more.

I always wonder about how it will be when we see each other. Will it be the same us with just a different you and I? Will it be like not a decade passed between us? Will having you beside me be familiar?

Or will we be strangers? Mere faces in both our distant memories. We’ll share the same stories but the people in our stories are different from the ones beside us. Will we share the same awkward hello as the first time we met? Or will we hug each other as tight as we did when we said goodbye?

All these things I have yet to know. And I will continue to wonder until we meet again.

Lira and Mira: Who lives?

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Photo Credits to https://twitter.com/gmaencantadia

I just have to say this…

Encantadia is the worst place to become a parent. Amihan was separated from her real daughter. Alena lost her son. Lila-Sari also got separated from daughter and now, Deshna is dead.

Danaya is smart for not having a child, at least not yet.

Back Story

Let’s talk about Pirena and Ybrahim.

Two parents who both lost their daughters. Arde, the god of death, brought Lira and Mira back to life to be used as Hagorn’s leverage against the Sang-gres. Fate seemed to side with the Sang-gres this time because they were able to successfully rescue Lira and Mira. As celebrations were about to be held, Lira and Mira collapsed and fell into an endless sleep a bit like Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty. Hagorn, with the help of Arde, put a curse on Lira and Mira. In order to bring the young Sang-gres back, Hara Danaya sent Alena to threaten Hagorn with a war unlike any he has seen before if he does not give the cure for Lira and Mira.

For a minute there, it seemed like the Sang-gres will be able to get what they want from Hagorn. However, Deshna decides to take matters into her own hands and goes up against her evil, heartless father. Deshna attempts to kill Hagorn, fails miserably, and dies at the hands of her own father.

Grief-stricken Hagorn blames Deshna’s death on the Sang-gres instead of on himself because in his twisted reality he is the mistreated one. To spite the Sang-gres, he agrees to give the cure to Mira and Lira’s curse. But only one gets it. The other one will go back to her death.

The Choice

So how do you choose who gets to live and who doesn’t? There a lot of medical cases that come up at a crossroads like this. But that’s reality, this is fiction so let’s stick with this one.

Danaya and Alena are put between a rock and hard place. Lira and Mira are both their nieces. They love them both, of course, and having to choose one would just be unthinkable.

For Pirena and Ybrahim, even if no one will directly admit it, the choice is clear. Pirena will, of course, want Mira to live and Ybrahim will choose Lira over Mira any day.

The Queen trying to do the right thing

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Photo Credits to https://twitter.com/gmaencantadia

Having already had her stint with the dark side, Pirena struggles with herself. She recognizes how incredibly selfish she is (a fact pointed out by Mira herself). She feels guilty for wanting Mira to live more than Lira because Lira is also her niece and is also in a way special to her. She’s terrified of being capable once again of doing despicable deeds in the name of her own happiness.

The King who lost everything

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Photo Credits to https://twitter.com/gmaencantadia

If I’d visualize Ybrahim’s heart right now, I would say it’s a thousand shattered pieces. First of all, he already lost his son, Khalil. He has lost Amihan, the love of his life. He lost his daughter and he lost a lot from his kingdom. He had Lira back but only for a minute. Ybrahim is the picture of a man who is down in the dumps, has lost everything, and is desperate enough to get his only source of joy back.

Ybrahim’s decision

It was Ybrahim who succumbed and went to Hagorn to make a deal. He clearly still hates Hagorn but is desperate enough to betray his allies. After going to Hagorn, he visits Lira who is still sleeping and suffering. He tells her how much he loves her and how he does not want to lose her. A sight of a father’s heartbreak.

Thoughts

I know this fiction but let’s just say for a second that this is real. How do you choose?

For an outsider, it’s easier perhaps. Toss a coin or do the Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe thing. Let Pirena and Ybrahim have a duel, whoever wins gets to be with his/her child. If you were any one of them, what advice would you give any of them? If you were Hara Danaya, how would you decide? Would you have enough wisdom to make the right decision? In this case, what would constitute a right decision?

I honestly want to say something profound about this but really I’m at a loss for words on how one should go about this in a purely strategic way without considering emotions. So let me just end this by saying that we all have our own interests. It’s easier to judge another person’s decision if we’re not in the said person’s shoes. It will take someone really divine to just say, “It’s okay, my kid can die so you can be happy.”

My absolute truth right now is…

I know I won’t be that person.

The Lie We All Say

“How are you?” Somebody asks.

“I’m okay,” you say.

We say “I’m okay” so often we even come to a point of believing we’re okay. It’s sad that we have to lie about this. Heck, I even find myself literally telling myself while I’m breaking down, “You’re okay. It’s okay. Everything will be fine.”

Do I believe everything will be fine? Maybe. But am I really okay?

I think I have gotten so good at pretending that things are fine and dandy because when I’m around people I actually “believe” I’m okay. It’s almost like I’m a completely different person when I’m around people.

It’s when I’m alone and alone in my thoughts that I say, “No, you’re not okay.”

Not okay is all I have right now.