The 10-second Happiness

The deepest part of me still truly and absolutely love you. How is that even possible? Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I know nothing about love. Well, I probably know something, but it’s nothing compared to what others know about it: a father working day in and out to provide for his family, a wife sacrificing herself and everything she is for her husband, a single parent juggling school and work in hopes of a better future for the children.

I don’t even know how love feels apart from the way it felt with you. I promised myself many months ago that I will no longer write about you, that my words will stop being about you. Yet, the moment I made that promise words stopped coming to me. It had begun as an eerie silence in my head. My thoughts were no longer of you. Yes, it was a welcome change, one that I’ve been craving for, but it also came with an emptiness.

It was 5:45 this morning when I woke up with a start from a dream of you. And as it has always been whenever that happens, I woke up at my happiest. The kind of happiness you can almost feel in every cell of your body, the kind that gives you a sense of peace, the kind that somehow gives you meaning. God, if I could stay in that wonderful 10-second happiness, I would. No questions asked. But then… stinking, gut-wrenching, face-slapping reality sets in.

It was a dream. ALL. A. DREAM.

It was then that I realized that beautiful dreams can become nightmares. Some people believe that dreams have meanings. I’m skeptical about that. If dreams do have meanings, maybe mine means I’m crazy and delusional. Haha! I don’t know.

Welp. Stop this pseudo-writing that you do. This is ranting and procrastinating. Back to work. Happy Sunday, self. Go get a life later. 🙂

A Saturday Night of a Broke Girl: Thoughts

“Why do you love sunsets so much?” my brother asked me a few days ago.

I sat there unable to answer a perfectly acceptable question. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an answer or that I didn’t know the reason for my, in his words, “obsession” about sunsets. The truth was, I could not put into words what sunsets mean to me. Well, of course, I could. Just not in the words he’d somehow understand, and especially not in the words my mother, who was present at that time, would even begin to understand.

Sunsets, to me, are a constant reminder that, as cliche as it sounds, life is beautiful. I feel constantly lost in this world, unable to find my meaning, and I feel that somehow my existence is a cosmic anomaly. Sunsets take all those feelings away. Sunsets make me grateful. Grateful that, however insignificant I feel, I get to witness every day one of nature’s epic displays. And, as the sun touches the horizon, as the sky bursts into different magnificent hues of orange, I remember once again that life is worth living, I ought to give it a shot. To a thousand more sunsets!

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Something Random

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I’m the kind of girl who prefers planned things, so I very rarely do something out of the moment.

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Last Sunday, about a week ago, K and and I went on a random morning hike. Well, more like a walkathon. The plan was only to go visit our dead relatives in the cemetery, but somehow we ended up X kilometers away from civilization. And being almost devoid of any sense of direction, I started getting pissed because it started feeling toooo far away.

You know that feeling where you still have a long, long way to go but it’s equally as far to go back? The sun was already so high up, I could feel it pricking my skin. I was wearing the wrong shoes so it was a nightmare stepping on rocks. But it felt good!

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The view of the sky and mountains were amazing though my phone camera would never do justice to it. It was a pleasant change of scenery compared to the malls and buildings we’re used to.

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Officially promising myself to do more of this at the right time of the day and with proper shoes. 🙂

Days Like This

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I long for days like this

Sky covered up in clouds

Cold breeze on my skin

 

I long for days like this

Knowing life isn’t perfect

Yet I’m not falling apart

 

I long for days like this

Keeping my anxiety at bay

And not losing myself

 

I long for days like this

Where life’s uncertain

Yet there’s burning hope in me

 

I long for days like this

Where I may not be happy

Yet I’m not in a pool of tears

Here’s to more days like this

***

 

 

First Time Visiting an Elderly Home

“Some students get emotional and cry when they visit.”

Those were the words of one of my instructors in the caregiver training course that I’m currently taking. I laughed it off at that time not knowing I’d be one of those students.

“Grabe pud ni si Ma’am,” I said to myself.

It was a few weeks ago when our Care for the Elderly module came and our teacher decided to bring us to St. Joseph’s Golden Home Foundation, Inc. SJGH is a non-profitable foundation serving as a home for indigent and abandoned Filipino men and women aged 65 and up. It is, I believe, the only elderly home in the city of Cagayan de Oro.

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Up until then, my only knowledge about elderly homes was based on what I see on movies and TV. I’ve never been to one. And if I hadn’t taken this course, I wouldn’t have known about there being one in our city. #CluelessGirl

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Before we could walk through their doors, we were greeted enthusiastically by a very sweet and jolly lady, one of the residents there. Upon seeing the joy on her face, the genuine welcome she extended to us, I could feel my heart swell up for some unknown reason and I started to tear up. I tried controlling myself. I really did.

But before I knew it, the first of my tears fell as I desperately made my way to the back of our bunch. Luckily, I was not alone in taking refuge in the back while wiping tears away. A classmate, who upon seeing the Lola, remembered her own grandmother also made her way to the back in hiding.

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Lola in the middle was the one who greeted us (Hate myself for forgetting her name)

Honestly, I don’t know what it was that made me cry. I had grandparents but, unlike my classmate, I was never super close to them. I went in there completely emotionless. I came out feeling like a different person.

Maybe it was because I expected to see grumpy old people who would love nothing else but for us to leave. Maybe I saw my grandparents and saw how much I missed and how much effort I didn’t make to get to know them. Maybe I saw my parents and my fear of them growing old and leaving me just overwhelmed me.

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And… maybe I saw myself in them.

Old. Alone. No family.

I always tell myself that it’s totally fine to be alone. And a good part of me genuinely believes that. However, that day, I realized that I’m also terrified to spend the rest of my life alone.

Filipinos have a tight-knit, family-oriented culture. I grew up hearing people say that one should have kids so you won’t be alone. I get raised eyebrows whenever I tell people that I’m not sure if I want the package, husband and kids. Parents break their backs raising their children. Yet we have people like the lolos and lolas of SJGH who were abandoned by family and probably by their own kids. Really, this is a sore topic that has no exact and concrete solution.

I guess it was everything. All the reasons written above were what made me cry. You’d think that you’ve accepted the inevitability of old age until you see yourself in the eyes of the very warm lola who greeted you like you were her long lost grandchild. It’s truly heartwarming.

That day, I looked at my parents as if with a whole new set of eyes and I thanked God for them and prayed fervently for more time with them, for a chance to make them happy, for a chance to be a better daughter to them. And that night… I also prayed that maybe, just maybe, somewhere in this huge, chaotic world someone out there is waiting and praying for me.