One day, we’ll sit together, beer in our hands and smiles on our faces. We’ll talk about how we used to be. You’d tell me about all the adventures you’ve had, the loves you’ve loved, and the life you’ve had.
I’d tell you about all the stories I haven’t told you, the crazy things I never thought I’d do, the beautiful views I’ve seen, and all the loves I’ve loved. I’d ask you more questions than I ever had the chance before. I’d get to know you again. Heck, I’d get to know more.
I always wonder about how it will be when we see each other. Will it be the same us with just a different you and I? Will it be like not a decade passed between us? Will having you beside me be familiar?
Or will we be strangers? Mere faces in both our distant memories. We’ll share the same stories but the people in our stories are different from the ones beside us. Will we share the same awkward hello as the first time we met? Or will we hug each other as tight as we did when we said goodbye?
All these things I have yet to know. And I will continue to wonder until we meet again.
“How are you?” Somebody asks.
“I’m okay,” you say.
We say “I’m okay” so often we even come to a point of believing we’re okay. It’s sad that we have to lie about this. Heck, I even find myself literally telling myself while I’m breaking down, “You’re okay. It’s okay. Everything will be fine.”
Do I believe everything will be fine? Maybe. But am I really okay?
I think I have gotten so good at pretending that things are fine and dandy because when I’m around people I actually “believe” I’m okay. It’s almost like I’m a completely different person when I’m around people.
It’s when I’m alone and alone in my thoughts that I say, “No, you’re not okay.”
Not okay is all I have right now.
Maybe there will always be a certain kind of sadness in me that I’ll never be able to fathom. Lingering and never leaving.
We all long to find someone who we’ll feel an insane connection with. Call it whatever you want. Spark? Chemistry? Magic? Your soulmate? I’ve been looking, waiting, looking, and waiting. Now, I’ve come to the realization that maybe I met mine when I was too stupid and too scared to realize it. That maybe i had my chance at happiness when I was 15 and I didn’t take it.